Our Journey in 2011

I have to say that I was in tears before we left for Florida. It wasn't that I didn't want to come visit my family, but my heart hurt so badly to have to leave Mark at home. I ached deeply. He wanted to come so badly, but circumstances worked out in such a way that it was impossible. I was so torn. Nearly a week has gone by and tonight, I am heading home to be with my boy. I can not tell you how much that means to me; yet I am very sad to leave here. I don't get to see my family very often; usually only once a year. Unfortunately, I don't make a big effort to stay connected. Life seems to just grab ahold of me and I never take the time to call or write or keep in contact. That makes me sad. I have noticed that I am very independent when it comes to relationships. It doesn't mean that I don't love someone deeply, it just means that I go on with my life and savor the moments I am with them. One of my dearest and most treasured friends is someone I have only seen 4 or 5 times since we met and she lives in California. I have a very deep love for her, yet we don't see each other and often don't get much time to chat on the phone. I think of her often and I long to see her again, but my life goes on and time goes by..... I know that when we talk and whenever we get together again, that friendship runs so deep that things will pick up right were they left off. Another friend who has grabbed ahold of me so deep live in Wisconsin. I talk to her one time a year and it is for about 2 hours. But what we had when we were together was priceless. It is funny how friendships work. I have some precious friends whom I know are there and with whom I don't have to see or talk to or depend on everyday..... and those friends are priceless. I have had friends whom have been very dependent on relationships and with whom have our friendship has become cold and distant. Much, I think, because I have failed them. They needed the same thing they were giving me; constant attention. But because that is not something I need, I find myself forgetting that I need to return it and thus I fail. Friendship is a very funny thing. All that to say that I have had some wonderful friends; some whom have come in my life intensely and left just as intensely, some whom have been steady and consistent and great, and some with whom have grabbed ahold of my heart in a forever kind of way that really isn't explainable.

My brother is that kind of "friend". It is hard to explain. Growing up, he was my deepest and most treasured friend. In fact, if I could have done it, I would have made him my "maid of honor". It wasn't that we talked about everything or even did everything together, but the love I had for him ran deeper then anything I knew. That love has never left. We don't have much in common any more, we live 1000 miles apart, we rarely talk, our lives are different in many, many ways..... but I still long for time to see him. I am content with just a few hours of catching up and not even talking about life.... just enjoying watching our kids hang out together. That has been what this week has been for me. I have loved every second of being with him and his family. We haven't had "catch up" talks, we haven't sat and talked about anything, we haven't done anything like that....we've just lived life this week and have enjoyed it. It's as if we have always been together. When I leave, it will be the same. Part of me is sad because I would love for us to be nearer. I would love to have Eli and Faith hanging out with my kids more often. I love watching them all together. I would love to have life a little different for that sake, but it is not and that is ok.

I am sure, though you would have no idea, that Brent and AB won't be sad to have 7 people leaving their home. I am sure that the chaos of mess that comes along with us is overwhelming. I know that it will be nice to have their home back in order before Christmas. I will miss them deeply. I want to be a part of my niece and nephew's life. I want to so badly; but I won't. Life will go on and I will flounder in it. But my goal is to try. I need to try. I want to. I always thought I would be the best Aunt ever.... I'm not. I really am a horrible Aunt. That makes me very sad.

I don't want to leave, but I do want to go home. I want to be with my husband again. He really does complete me.

It is a beautiful day, so I am going to go enjoy the rest of my time here.

Before I do, I thought I would let everyone know that Ri's heart is functioning fine. We do not have to face open heart surgery. It looks like the doctor is thinking around 5 years from now. That is a little different then the 10 years or so that he told us last year... but I am praising God. We will seek a pulmonary specialist for his breathing problems. God is so faithful and so gracious.