There is much that I am learning these days; mostly how weak I am. I recently finished the book Tortured for Christ and realized that I am truly a coward. I was convicted so deeply by my fears of offending someone or my fear of my child being harms or my fear of being tortured. I realized that in the moment I face any of those things, I will have to rely solely on God giving me the grace not to retreat. I am not ashamed of being a follower of Jesus Christ. I love him with all of my heart. But this book has made me wonder how deeply I honestly do love him. I have begun to question if my love is real or if it is merely the "good thing to be/do".
I am also in the beginnings of a study on marriage. I am reading Love & Respect and being ashamed of who I am and how I have been as a wife.
And... as has been the case for most of our older children's teenage life... I am struggling with my inadequecies of handling parenting issues. I am emotionally spent! I want to be the woman that God has called me to be. I realize that I am constantly needing to grow and become more like Christ. But sometimes the reality of where I am can hit me pretty hard.
Conviction is good. It isn't a bad thing, but it is not a fun thing either. Life is full of struggles. It is full of joy, excitement, wonders, bewilderment, ...combined with trials, disappointments, frustrations, sadness.... life is just plain full! But through it all, my God will never forsake me. He will guide me and often carry me through every step.
Today, I sit beside Elizabeth as I type. It is a familiar spot right now. She doesn't want me to move far from her. She has been sick since Sunday night. She began with a fever of 102 around 10:30 Sunday night. It reached 104.2 on Tuesday, causing us to take her in. She was checked for everything, but the conclusion was a virus. She was put on antibiotics because of her Thalessemia and bleeding disorder. The doctor felt a secondary infection was something she risks greater then most kids. She seemed better yesterday and didnt' need me so much. But by evening her fever was back to 103. She coughed enough to strangle herself and really scare both of us. She had a tough time breathing for a little bit, but we got through it. She woke up about midnight with a horrible bloody nose. It took a long time to get it to stop. It scared her more then anything. It took her a good 2 hours to fall back to sleep, but she slept fairly well after that. She woke up with a fever a little over 101 and was pretty miserable. So..here we sit. I am hoping and praying that she starts feeling a little better soon.
Ri's follow up for his stents went well. He looks and feels great. It was nice to have him seen by the doctor and told how good he is doing.
Is there some parallel between Tortured for Christ and a book on marriage?
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